got 6 small council: the red woman
Welcome to our first Game of Thrones season 6 small council meeting, featuring:
Myself, a devoted / obsessed? GoT fan who has seen all 5 seasons of the show at least 3 times but for some reason cannot be bothered to sit down and read the books
Cat Stew, who has watched the show possibly less obsessively than I but actually has the patience to read the books and then tell me all the little details I need to know. She was working out during the majority of this discussion so she CLEARLY takes this blog seriously.
Han Rob, who has basically never seen Game of Thrones. lol?
& Steve, who just started watching because you can’t date me unless you’re a devoted nerd. He will really have nothing else to talk to me about these next 10 weeks so he might as well. He’s only technically on season 2 but decided to watch season 6 with us AGAINST my wise advice because he APPARENTLY doesn’t care if everything is spoiled for him.
Game of Thrones image credits: HBO
SEASON 5 REVIEW
Han when she sees Theon & Sansa jump: OMG WAIT WHY ARE THEY JUMPING OFF THE THING
Cat: He got his dick cut off n she was being raped every day so took their chances.
And after that his captor ate a sausage in front of him... so you can only imagine, you know.
Han: Why do you watch this show?!
Cat: It’s wholesome! Christian family values, you know? (Catie was a homeschooler. Doing her parents proud.)
Han: Real life just looks like a medieval version of Leviticus. “Leviticus: Uncensored”
Myrcella & Tristane come on screen.
Han: Oh, they’re beautiful.
Cat: Yeah she’s the daughter of incest and was just murdered.
Cat: I made my boyfriend watch the pilot of this and he fell asleep 30 minutes in.
Sar: Yeah it infuriates me that so many people watch one or two episodes and say they’re bored because it’s a slow build ya know, you really have to commit!! (Yes, I am insane.)
Han, seeming one part overwhelmed and one part in awe?: It’s just so much. The scope & scale of all of this.
Han: Is this the death everyone was so upset about?
Sar: Yeah, but his wolf is bae and it’s still alive so obviously Jon Snow’s not going to stay dead.
Cat & I launch into an explanation of direwolves, warging, the R + L fan theory, and why Jon Snow CAN’T be dead.
Sar on Melisandre’s grief over Jon Snow/ her false prophecies: I’m so confused by what she’s lying about and what she’s truly misinformed about.
Cat: Yeah I think in the books she definitely knew that she was lying to people about her prophecies but I’m not sure about this.
Sar: Fuck Alliser Thorne. I was just re-watching season 1 and nothing about this man has changed he’s so annoying.
SANSA & THEON
Roose Bolton says “Say-nsa” and I go on a rant about how occasionally the super weird names in this so are mispronounced, like I’ve heard “Cer-say” when it’s clearly “Cer-see”. Am I the Hermione Granger of Game of Thrones trivia? Maybe.
Then Sansa and Theon start running through freezing water.
Han asks for the second time: Are they tryna kill themselves?!
Sar: No they’re just trying to escape which is super unrealistic.
Cat: If they were smart, they’d just continue down the river despite the cold so the dogs would lose their scent.
Sar: I am honestly afraid that they’re going to strip their clothes off rn cause that’s what you’re supposed to do after you’re in freezing water.
They don’t strip. Thank the gods.
Theon goes to sacrifice himself stupidly, bc the hounds will obviously still smell Sansa
Han: OH NO, don’t take one for the team!
Sar: (Sansa gets found) Well this is just awkward.
Han: Why do these ppl want them any way?
Sar & Cat: …Why do they…?
Oh right, bc Sansa is technically the heir to the North so she has to bear Ramsey an heir to Winterfell before the Boltons can just destroy her. And
Brienne shows up at just the right time to save Sansa and she and tiny Pod manage to kill the hunter men and their dogs… Wait where did the dogs even go?
Sar: Am I the only person who feels like this is way too convenient…
Cat: *working out, gasping* Yes! I mean, no, you’re not the only one.
Sar: Like normally I’d get excited when the good character doesn’t get eaten by dogs – I love Sansa! But this plot placement like doesn’t make sense… They’ve been wandering around in the woods, how would they find them? That wood’s probably like as big as…
Cat: The metro-Atlanta area!
Han: I love how this is the first thing you think of. “The metro-Atlanta area.”
Brienne vows to serve Sansa for all her days (if Sansa will have her), etc etc.
Han: Ohhh ppl are vowing shit, let’s get real.
Cat: Why does Brienne care about serving her? She killed Stannis, she has no reason to keep doing this.
Sar: No, Brienne has no other purpose, she needs something to do w herself!
Pod adorably helps Sansa remember the correct vows of a liege lord
Sar: I HAVE NEVER SHIPPED ANYONE MORE THAN SANSA AND PODRICK IN THIS MOMENT.
Sar: Lena Heady is such a good actress.
I also just watched the episode where they send Myrcella away in season 1, it’s very symmetrical to this one. It’s really interesting because in that episode there was a whole royal procession of sorts with lots of people there watching and now only Cersei is left. Tyrion and the guards and everyone else have left her, this is what she thought she wanted in her narcissism, like get rid of everyone else, but now her world is crumbling.
Cersei starts describing her creepy thoughts on corpses decaying – this is how she apparently copes with death, she pictures her mother and her daughter’s skin peeling away? Help.
Cat: This whole scene is insane man, I like thought she was gonna rip her own eyes out or something. She’s crazy.
Han whispers: There’s a lot of suffering.
Steve: Yeah but they kind of deserve it.
Han: I mean perhaps we could all just break for naps or something, I’m not sure that anyone deserves this kind of suffering? But why is she sleeping with her brothers?
Sar: Just this brother. Hashtag ~*twincest*~
Sar: Dude this is some shit. I didn’t realize people didn’t like the Dorne storyline last semester. I mean last season. I just loved Tristane and Myrcella and got distracted by the beautiful costuming.
(Literally no one else is paying attention to this part or listening to me. Proves that Dorne needs some work. I don’t want the costumes to go awayyyy tho!)
Sar: Sandsnakes’ leather crop tops on fleek!!
Catie pauses to show me a tumblr post of someone printing their test answers on a vitamin water bottle? That’s some dedication.
TYRION & VARYS
Han: And we like him, right?
Sar: Yeah we like both of them. The eunach & the halfman. That sould be like a…
Cat: Band name?
Sar: Yeah. Let’s do it.
Tyrion & Varys are alone in a creepy abandoned part of town. Someone is watching them. I later realize that we never even find out who this creepy watcher is? Then they look at a fire in the harbor that is not really explained.
Cat: Hmm, I was kinda hoping that the Harpys were taking over
Sar: Wait WHY would you want that?
Cat: Well it would be more interesting than this!
Also what about that huge outbreak of disease they had?
Sar: I don’t think that they were in the show at all, just the book.
Cat: Oh damn I thought it was in the show.
As much as I love Tyrion & Varys, I do have to admit we know too little about Meereen to really care about it when Daenerys is not there
JORAH & DAARIO
Cat on Jorah: He’s like… not ugly.
Sar: Yeah there are actually some people who are obsessed with him. He pretty cute.
Cat: Yeah like obviously I’d pick Daario but Jorah is fine. (Her voice is very monotone during this whole statement.)
Sar: Fine as in like damn or like … just fine?
Cat: I mean he’s fine as in like good but also fine as in like “foiiine”
Daario says, “Was an army here?”
Jorah replies, “Not an army, a horde.”
Sar: THE MONGOL HORDE!
What if Khal Drogo was really just Genghis Khan this whole time?
Steve: Have y’all ever gone to Genghis grill? It’s really good
Cat: Wait yeah my family used to go there like a lot.
Steve: Yeah they have like a stone they cook everything on!
Cat: We went to a place like that called the Melting Pot once and we aaaall got sick, it was really bad…
Why is this conversation happening? I’m going to stop typing it now.
Han: So like what do people do for fun here?
Sar: There is no fun.
Cat, simultaneously: Sex.
Han: But like, isn’t there like a holiday celebration
Sar: Ok I really don’t like this music.
Cat: It makes me feel like on edge but not in a good way
Han: Mmm, “not racist.”
I’m gonna make this music play when my boyfriend calls me.
Here, I get sidetracked by Daenerys trying to earn respect of the Khal by telling him her titles, including Mother of Dragons, which he dismisses completely. He takes her seriously, HOWEVER, when she says she was the wife of one of his dead man buddies. TOOO REEEAL. #medievalfeministissues
Steve: I loved that whole interaction between the Khal and his buddies and then his wives are like those girls from high school.
Sar: Yeah he’s a definite fuckboy.
Steve: Yeah and the fact that the women are like mad jelly of her, like just “cut her fucking head off!”
Cat: I keep getting Arya & the girl who beats her up confused. They look the same.
Sar: I like how these other beggars literally give no shits that Arya’s being beaten.
Steve: They can’t even see this girl.
Sar: Yeah wait like can anyone see this? Is this all in Arya’s head? Is she freaking dreaming this whole time?
Cat: OMG wait maybe it’s Bran still in a coma dreaming! Like that theory I love that Harry Potter was dreaming the whole time!
Steve: Yeah he wakes up and then they just offer him tea and crumpets!
Sar: Wait wut? Why tea and crumpets?
Cat: Yeah Sarah, get with the times. Tea and crumpets was obviously like a typical medieval thing. This is really embarrassing for you
Sar: Does anyone remember why the onion knight is still at the wall??
Cat: He wasn’t allowed to go because there was a whole thing with Shireen.
Melisandre shows up & shows us her naked 400-year-old body.
Cat: I just don’t really care about her and I never really have but I just couldn’t get behind this whole thing. But the way they made her body sag I think is wonderful because it’s really realistic.
Sar: I love how some people on Twitter were like “Ew this is so gross!!!” Cue memes, etc. And then a lot of feminists were like “Wow finally a realistic portrayal of women and everyone thinks it’s gross, I can’t believe this!!!”
Cat: Yeah but she’s supposed to look gross because she’s 400 years old lol.
Sar: Yeah AND if I saw an old man’s body like that I would have the same reaction.
EPISODE 2 PREVIEW
Sar: alright so how do we feel about bran seizing around and stuff
Cat: Literally I don’t even care I hope he dies.
(Watching Game of Thrones has obviously made us wonderful people.)
Steve: Wait who is this person?
Sar: Bran. you know the kid who got pushed off the wall?
Cat: He’s bad at things.
Steve: I thought he was good at things!
You know nothing, Steve Gold.
Sar: He just gets progressively more annoying throughout the show.
Cat: and his hair grows with his annoyance. Like I know you have a flow but his bangs just grow down past his eyes and he’s the most annoying little shit
Sar: I swear if Arya spends the whole season on that street corner fighting that dumbass girl Imma be so pissed.
Cat: Yeah I’ll have to reread the book but in the book she like only goes blind for 3 days because she got axed in the head or something.
And on THAT lovely note, we conclude.
See you plebes this time next week for another bloodbath.