got 6 small council: home

Hellooooo my fellow Westerosi peasants!
We’re BACK with more geeking n fangirling than you could ever ask for this week with a lovely long recap of “Home”.
INCLUDING, but not limited to: Shrieks, grunts, and fish faces by Cat Stew. V nerdy thoughts on language creation and overly convenient timing by yours truly, Sar Craw. And some random comedic comments by Steve, who is still technically on season 2 of this show. I also think it’s worthy to note that he has been trying out some women’s clothing trends such as crop tops (COMING SOON!!!) & these beautiful Nike shorts. The layering effect is something I had never considered before but I’m a fan.

HBO pictures by Helen Sloan, Myrcella's funeral meme by Price Peterson.

THEME SONG


Steve: Have you guys seen the South Park episode of this? The theme song is just them saying penis over and over.

Sar: It’s weiner lol. 

Steve: Wait Sarah just told me about the author of these books and his turtles – do you know about this?

Cat: Wut.

Sar: Yeah so basically George Martin grew up as this poor kid by the sea and I don’t know if he actually bought turtles as pets or if he just like stole them from the beach, but he had loads of them and they were gross and dying all the time cause he had too many and couldn’t actually take care of all of them. So he started making up stories in his head about all the turtles – giving them personalities and names and imagining that they were little knights and lords killing each other off. And THAT, my friends, is where Game of Thrones truly began.
And why George Martin wears a turtle pin on his weird hats as his own personal house sigil.

Cat: THAT IS SO MESSED UP. I think that’s why the creepiest people we know like him so much. Because he’s gross.

Steve: Yeah there’s a reason the show writers have taken over this whole thing, I think they know better than George at this point.

BRAN STARK IS BACK. UGH


Cat audibly sighs when the episode opens on Bran. The old raven dude in the tree is also there: … Dad?

We see a flashback of some kids at Winterfell: BBs!

We figure out the bbs are in fact, a young Ned Stark and his older brother: EEEEK!

YOUNG LYANNA STARK COMES ON SCREEN, Catie screams.

Sar: LITERALLY the moment I have been waiting for since the beginning of this damn show. Lyanna is one of my favorite characters and we know nothing about her.

Cat squeals w delight: That’s Hodor!?

Sar: He’s so sweeeet! But it would’ve been helpful for Bran if he had actually learned how to fight at some point. I hope we find out what happened to him to make him like this.

Cat: Bran has aged literally 15 years since we last saw him. Oh I totally forgot he’s a cripple. Ew he’s lounging like a porn star.

Sar: Why is Meera still there?

Cat: Probs has nowhere else to go. And she’s trapped by white walkers. I don’t think she’s like having fun. Puberty’s bad enough without being stuck in a tree with Bran.

THE WALL
 

Cat when Alliser Throne comes on screen: Bastard.

Is it bad that I want Ollie to be poked in the eye with a sword?

Sar: Um no I want that kid killed. He is so stupid, he’s literally just an evil plot device.

Giants bust through the doors to defend Jon Snow -- just in time

Cat: Hell yes!

Steve: Just wait, this gets awesome.

Sar: Wait Cat you weren’t looking, you missed a giant just pick up a guy and smash him into the wall like it was nbd. Lots of blood.

Cat: ~*just girly things*~
The only traitors here are YOU, Alliser Thorne!!!

Sar: Ok but this, like the Brienne rescue situation last week, is way too convenient. Like the likelihood of these people showing up to fight just before everyone is slaughtered… And twice in two episodes?!

KING'S LANDING
 

Sar: Ok number one, I kinda wanted Cersei to just use this Frankenstein Mountain dude to kill all those guards & number two… he looks like an animal or something. Like whatever dog is supposed to guard the gates of hell maybe.

Myrcella has stones on her eyes.

Cat: Ohh I hate that.

Sar: RT RT  

Cat: Hey when you die Imma put stones on your eyes like that in memory of this moment.

Sar: Lovely. You know Tommen really looks like a toad sometimes.

Cat: But like a cute lil toad. Oh God I forgot he was married.

Sar: I KNOW I WAS GONNA SAY THE SAME THING

Cat: Just think about your middle school boyfriend being a king. Who was that for you? Gabe?

Sar: Yeah! The skater boy. He broke up with me when he read The Outsiders because he decided he was a Greaser and I was a Soc and we just couldn’t be together. We both lived in the East Cobb suburbia bubble so that was kind of hilarious.

Cat: Mine was Scott Bagley. A king? LOL.

The old faith leader dude gives a shitty reason for the use of stone eyes on dead people… He says it’s a reminder not to fear death because there’s another life after it or something.

Cat: That is the worst excuse I’ve ever heard.

Sar: It’s a lie. It’s to remind you death is creepy AF, I mean look at those things!

The old faith leader dude – I now remember he is called the High Sparrow – signals for his scary faith army to pop out from behind every pole and surround Jamie as Jamie talks about his sins / lowkey threatens to kill the High Sparrow right then & there. That would be nice but then the plot wouldn’t be as interesting, would it?

Sar: Holy shit are they gonna arrest him too!? WTF

Cat: I’m not thinking arrest; I’m thinking death?

The Sparrow says, “Together, we can overthrow an empire.” 

Sar: Dzaaang now we see his real motives!

Cat: Dude that was a legit threat. I thought he was just a crazy religious person but maybe he’s actually scheming? He also looks like Bernie, btw.

The show conveniently pans to Cersei. (They didn’t kill Jamie. Relief?)

Cat: And Cersei’s Hillary.

Sar: Omg yes no wonder I love her so much. And her short haircut is much closer to Hills’!

Cat: They’re dying their Lannisters’ hair a lot darker than it used to be

Sar: Yeah it’s like yellow now, it doesn’t look natural at all.

Cat: Remember how terrible Peter Dinklage’s hair was at the beginning though? That like frosty boy band dye job he had?

RIP Tyrion The Backstreet Boy.

MEEREEN
 

Sar: I’m so glad Tyrion and Varys are a team now.

Cat: Missandei is one of the most undervalued but most badass characters on this show. And such a babe.

Steve: This set looks very modern in comparison to everything else, like I feel like this is a restaurant I would eat in today.

Sar: Lol what? I feel like food always comes up with you people, last time it was tea and crumpets…

Steve: OMG can we have crumpets sometime?!

Cat: I think Tyrion’s gotten a lot more attractive… that beard does a lot for him. Like his character was supposed to be ugly at the beginning but Peter Dinklage is too good-looking, they just gave up trying to make him gross.

MMM Grey Worm I see you w that deep V! Look at him!

Tyrion is going to attempt to free the dragons, Varys looks on from afar with his usual lovely mix of pity, amusement, and observational apathy.

Cat: The way Varys is looking at him omg hahaha it’s like “Byeee bb, see ya later!”

Steve has been trying to talk to us about some dragon song and we’ve been ignoring him: You know like, “Ra ra ra I’m a dungeon dragon”?

Cat: ….?

Sar: What are you even saying rn Steve

He gives up.

Cat: So what’s the point of this? Are they keeping the gate open?

Sar: Yeah it’s kind of ambiguous because you expect the dragons to fly right out but Tyrion told the council that they had to free them or else they’d shrivel and die so I think they’re just gonna

Cat: It’s like in Parks and Rec when they wanted all those pigeons to fly out at the wedding but they just fell on the floor dead! Lol

Sar: . . . Oh.

THE BOLTONS

The maester announces, “Lady Walder gave birth to a boy” and Roose slowly looks at Ramsay.

Cat & Sar simultaneously: Fuuuuuuck

Cat: Is Ramsay gonna kiss him rn? It’s gonna be some Prince Caspian ish, Ramsay’s going to like murder the baby.

Roose Bolton says "You will always be my first-born."  Aww that was sweet!

Ramsay says "Thx but u ded now."
 
Sar: Ok wait it seriously took me a minute to figure out who that was

Cat after a long, shocked pause: HOLY FUGGOLI I couldn’t tell who it was!

She stares at screen with her mouth open like a fish. 
Puts her hands on her head and looks at me with yet another weird mouth formation. 

WHAT!!!
Shat that Karstark guy is on his side too?!
Dude I didn’t see that coming I thought he was. . .
Oh no he was gonna murder that little bb! And the. . .

Lady Walder shows up with the baby. OMG does she not know?!?!?!

Sar: She doesn’t dude.

Cat: She doesn’t die?!

Sar: No she doesn’t know.

Cat: OMG they’re gonna kill that sweet baby! Oh nvm, it’s so ugly lol.

Ramsay starts slowly opening the kennel doors, behind which scary hounds wait for his command to kill probably everyone.

I swear to. . . 
Why doesn’t she run away!??!

Sar: She can’t run dude, where would she go!?
This show is always bad but it just constantly goes to new levels it’s horrible.
I like to think that if he was going to kill me, I’d know better than to beg for mercy because that’s like what he lives for.

He sics the dogs on his stepmother and literal newborn baby brother. They dead.

So the real question is he sociopath or a psychopath because I thought he was in love w that one girl . . .

Cat: But then when she died he was like, “Feed her body to the dogs”! No he’s definitely a psychopath.
I’m so glad they didn’t the mom and baby getting eaten on screen.

SANSA


Brienne’s tells her about the last time she saw Arya.

Sar: Dude, so crazy that it has taken this info this long to reach Sansa – the last time Brienne saw Arya was so many seasons ago…

Cat: DO YOU KNOW WHO THEON looks like? He looks like ME in 8th grade. That haircut I had…

Sar: There are so many things from previous seasons being brought to light here. We’re letting it ALL out in the open. What an emotional roller coaster. Also this is pretty quick for Theon to start acting relatively normal again… doesn’t he have serious PTSD?

Cat: Also if he felt that bad about everything he’s done, wouldn’t he get Sansa to her destination?

IRON ISLANDS
 

Theon’s old, soggy dad runs into a cloaked stranger. On a teetery rope bridge. In the rain. It is very obvious that he is going to die.

Sar: The way this stranger talks sounds like Jamie… Also like he thinks he’s a god? What’s going on here?

Cat: Dude this guy’s fuggin crazy. Like actually insane. One of the weirdo religious ones.

Theon’s dad (what’s his name again?) pulls a knife on the cloaked dude. Silly Theon’s dad, he’s wearing a cloak! He’s obviously going to push you over the edge of this sad little rope bridge to your death!

FUNERAL FOR THEON’S DAD. SERIOUSLY CANNOT REMEMBER HIS NAME FOR THE LIFE OF ME.
 

Cat: I’m not an oceanographer but if you push something like that into the water, won’t it just float back up on shore?

Sar: Are they gonna pop those buoys or just let him float on the water? At this rate, his bones are never going to reach the bottom of the sea so he can be with the drowned god. Or Davy Jones. Or THE KRAKEN.

I am now imagining an interesting mashup of Pirates of the Caribbean and the Iron Islanders. I think Theon’s sister would make a good pirate and maybe Jack Sparrow could kill off Theon once and for all because we’re all pretty much tired of him.

THE WALL --

WHERE DAVOS TRIES TO CONVINCE MELISANDRE SHE HAS THE POWER TO BRING JON BACK, REMINDING HER THAT HE HAS SEEN HER DO A LOT OF CRAZY STUFF. FOR EXAMPLE: “REMEMBER WHEN YOU GAVE BIRTH TO A MURDEROUS DEMON GHOST, LADY?!”

Sar: *~CASUAL~*

Cat: TBT… Hahah what a weird show. Why do we watch this?! George RR Martin is definitely a sociopath.

Sar: I love this role reversal. Davos has always been the skeptic but now he’s the only one with any faith left. Also Melisandre needs to stop this little pity party she’s throwing.

Cat: I swear to god if she fucks Jon back to life Imma lose it. I woudn’t put it past her at all.

Sar: I wanna know what person came up w this magic language. Like when you go back and watch the episode where Khal Drogo has a huge rant in Dothraki and you realize he had to memorize that whole thing that makes absolutely no sense. Like do you think they stopped him while he was acting to correct his pronunciation?

Steve: Probably. Because people break this shit down and get upset if it doesn’t have structure.

Cat: Yeah they probably get like real linguists to come up with it.

Steve: Can you imagine being a PhD getting asked to do this shit?

Cat: Yeah but they probably get paid so much.

Steve looks into the distance, suddenly considering this as a career option.

Melisandre starts cutting Jon Snow’s hair. But not just like one lock, like a lot of locks.

Cat: Not his long locks!

Sar: Why does she take so much hair?! I feel like most spells require like one lock (gods help me I am such a nerd)

Cat: Yeah like I need 8 locks of normal hair, 4 beard hairs…

Steve: I wouldn’t be surprised if she went for the pube hair at this point.

Sar: TRU.
I feel like she’s too nervous. I feel like her heart is not in it.

Cat just looks at me like I’m the nerdiest woman alive. I might be.

Cat: I think she wants to do it but she doesn’t have the confidence.

Sar: I half expect Davos to do something…

JON SNOW IS ALIIIIIVE

Sar, who knew this was going to happen, looks expectantly at Cat, who apparently also knew this was going to happen. Everyone knew this was going to happen. It is still a relief tho.

Cat: I know dude. I know. I know I know I know.

Sar: RIIIIIGHT!!!

Cat: I knew it was gonna happen once everyone left the room – that’s how you know a spell is going to work is once everyone leaves. Duh. That’s why you never leave a room.

Sar: Unless you want the spell to work?

Cat: Right, right. A watched pot never boils, a dead Snow never rises!

Steve: Also never eat yellow snow.

Sar: A dead Snow rises a STARK homies!!