toast & tea : down with sunglassed patriarchs, up with furry friends
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ADULT COLORING BOOKS? I'M NOT A FAN. AM I MISSING THE HYPE?
Dear Black & White Child,
My feelings on the adult coloring book craze are complicated and, to say the least, grey-shaded. I can’t help but immediately distrust anything that claims to relax. Like, what gives? What do we all have to relax from? Existing? The few hours between lunch and dinner? Take a few breaths and do your stretches, brains. Have some crackers.
But I can see how coloring could be a kind of downward dog for some. Something about being told what to do? Numbing the mind through half-creative activity with heavy parameters? Adding “illustrator” to your resume? Even Justin Bieber’s caught on (his interest is unsurprisingly porn-y).
I think strangest of all is the insistence that what your peers are taking part in has to be distinguished as adult. Why can’t they just be coloring books? Are they pinking-in genitalia? Maybe some are. But if that’s not the case, recognize when adjectives are unnecessary. Word economy, sheeple!
As for the hype - I think, as with most fads, it’s okay not to be into it. That said, you can say “no thanks” without disparaging the movement. Just move on, don’t stare, and it will be over soon. Like a car accident. Or the patriarchy.
Worried why Biebs can’t sit still for 30 minutes,
SHOULD I GET A PUPPY?
My Dear Furry Friend,
Why ever should you not? Don’t be deterred by the strong opinions of your family, friends, and even random strangers who hear that you are a poor, unorganized young adult seeking to support another small, dependent life form. Who knows where you’ll have to move for your next job? Or if your roommates even like dogs? Or what ridiculous pet deposit your apartment will charge? WHO CARES!
Puppies are adorable. Fuzzy. So cuddly and dopey-eyed that you almost forget all of the shoes and textbooks they’ve eaten and that curious-smelling wet spot of carpet you just found in the corner. What else matters really?
Not only do pets provide seriously good cuddles, but they also force you into a responsible schedule that you may not even know you needed or wanted. Fido will exhaust you. And despite your dismay at missing a few drunken escapades with your cronies to take care of him, this new semi-normal sleep schedule may cause your zits to suddenly disappear and your life to suddenly look much clearer than the sleep-deprived haze you were muddling through before.
Don’t forget the added layer of dog all over your clothing that will surely make a statement!! I can tell you on good authority that this MIGHT be the next big trend.
Destroyed possessions, midnight puke piles, and a daily 6am wake up bark starting to make your fuzzy imaginary friend less appealing? I think you have your answer.
Wishing you luck in your poop-scooping endeavors,
IF I HAVE NO MONEY & AM PRONE TO LOSING / BREAKING THINGS, BUT ALSO A 22 YEAR OLD ADULT, HOW MUCH MONEY SHOULD I REASONABLY SPEND ON SUNGLASSES?
Dear Optically Challenged / Four Eyed Fabulous,
If you don’t already know, now is the perfect time for me to tell you that the Italian eyewear company Luxottica basically owns everything in the sunnies field - from retailers (Target's Optical section, Lenscrafters, Sunglasses Hut) to “middle-grade” brands (Ray Ban, Oakley) to your typical designer sunglass giants (Chanel, Prada, Dolce, Versace, etc).
And guess what?! Making those cheap metal-and-plastic eye covers does not cost them anywhere near $200 or whatever ridiculous price you paid for your last pair. They’re all most likely made in sweatshops with questionable conditions for a few dollars. If the off-brand things you find in Target are made so similarly to Chanel, what’s the point of paying that much - even if you can afford it?
Slowly but surely, companies like Eye Buy Direct, Warby Parker, and Vu Sunglasses have caught on to this ridiculousness and are charging customers slightly less for the same, if not better, quality glasses with even more innovative designs. ASOS (omg these REFLECTIVE RED CAT EYES are very important), & Other Stories, and Charles & Keith are other retailers with unexpectedly great finds.
So if you are going to support evil corporate giants, you might as well buy from Target because they're cheapest and still sometimes have great designs. But I recommend scouring Instagram and the World Wide Wasteland for more great companies like Eye Buy Direct. I’ve also had great luck at drugstores like CVS and flea markets (where I recently got my new favorite Dior knockoffs for $10).
As far as price, here are some rules of thumb: $5-15 for basics and $50-75 tops for those fashion-forward designer knockoffs that you just have to have right now. You honestly should never pay more than $100 for glasses. (Then again, fashion rules are made for breaking and a special pair of vintage sunnies may be worth it if that’s your vice.)
May your eyes be cheaply but fashionably guarded as you head towards your bright future,