love & loss

I basically came out of the womb chasing boys and am a sappy commitmentphile at heart, hence the never-ending stream of Frank Sinatra songs, exceedingly high romantic expectations, and also boyfriends in my life.

But this is what I didn't know until recently: No two people are two halves of a whole. We should all be whole, full people on our own. No one completes anyone. We can only complement each other.

When you’re in a long-term relationship, part of your identity undoubtedly becomes shaped, and if you’re not careful, masked by that other person. I've realized that in past relationships, I acted and dressed cutesier, preppier, & more modestly than I wanted to in order to be the type of person I thought my boyfriends and their families wanted me to be.
That I convinced myself I wanted to be.

Or just stare at  Ryan Gosling  & all your problems will melt away.

Or just stare at Ryan Gosling & all your problems will melt away.

So what happens when a person who has foolishly centered her whole life around another human before she was even 20 years old gets broken up with? A terrifying avalanche of emotions.

Confusion as to “why two people who love each other can’t be together?!” (Vomit-worthy. I apologize to everyone I said this to multiple times.) Frustration at all of my plans being ruined & the lack of commitment I got in return for pouring my heart out to yet another dumb turd blossom.  Anger at myself for thinking he was on the same page with my romantic ideas for our future together.

Regret? I don’t do regret. Or I try not to. It’s a little hard when I’ve basically been wrapped up in various relationships for the last SIX YEARS of my life and I have nothing to show for it.

Defeat regret! Or just re-watch a lot of  Disney  movies.

Defeat regret! Or just re-watch a lot of Disney movies.

But after the emotional rollercoaster, I taught myself not to regret even the things I missed out on because regret is a waste of time. I try to focus on everything I've gained. Those relationships were full of heartfelt moments and important lessons in how to live and love. 

I also like to think I’ve learned not to let myself fall for the wrong person again. We’ll see how that goes.

We accept    the pizza      we think we deserve.

We accept the pizza we think we deserve.

For me, it’s better to have loved and lost. And learned. I've been a significant part of others’ lives and they have shaped me into who I am today. For that I am grateful, and for the opportunity I now have to start over, I’m even more grateful.

Here’s to living and loving and not holding back. Even when the shit hits the fan. Here’s to having adventures with or without relationships, and to not changing who you are when you’re in one.

And lastly, here’s a getting over it playlist because if music be the food of love, shut up and sing me an angry breakup song instead.

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NOT “yours truly” bc I am a strong independent woman okay,

PS: 1989 is my go-to post-breakup life soundtrack this year. As annoyed as I am that she's not on Spotify, I love the new Taylor and I'm not ashamed. Don't knock it till you try it.