toast & tea: the devil, your toes, and raven symone
WILL I BE JUDGED FOR WEARING CHACOS IN NYC? WILL THAT GIVE AWAY MY POST-GRAD STATUS?
Dear Start Spreadin’ The Toes,
Congratulations on your graduation and move to NYC - the city of DREAMS (Damned but Radical Efforts Against Materialism)! A big move can often mean a lot of changes, especially to wardrobe. The heat and humidity of New York summers beg for cutoffs and freed feet-fingers, but if you can, I’d advise against breaking out those pedal-pushin digits. Not because I think you’d be judged, or should care about being judged (NYC is also the city of FREEDOM [Fancy Regalia Especially Earrings Definitely Okay Mom]!). It comes down to hygiene. City streets are rank. They’re dirtier than a dirt-field. There’s urine everywhere. Open-toed shoes, by definition, do not protect against pee deposits. Protect yourself! Wear a nice ked! At the very least those Chacos should be accompanied by socks (honestly very fash-forward).
I know it can be hard to accept change. I’m still mourning a pair of chucks that have long since passed from style and tread. But maybe this can be a good chance (excuse!) to buy some hot new kicks. Or if you’re on a budget closer to mine - steal some hot new kicks! The police will understand.
Save the exposed toes for weekend hiking trips with Mama Gaia. Or around your very large apartment. Maybe even a strut through C. Park. But make sure to pack some safety sneakers for the trip back to Brooklyn or Jersey or Gowanus, whatever. You’re currently-not-fungus-infected feet will thank you.
Yours in sanitation,
HOW MANY BAGELS IS TOO MANY BAGELS? IS IT BAD THAT I CAN'T TELL A GOOD BAGEL FROM A BAD BAGEL? ATHENS BAGEL VS. PUBLIX? WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?!
Polonious once said, “To thine own bagel be true”. Some like em sweet, some like em salty, some like em rainbow, some think those My Little Pony-colored bagels are a bit too far. That’s your prerogative. I personally prefer Thomas brand whole wheat bagels with those little useless-but-fun flakes on them. True New York-style sourdough bagels are often so impossible to chew that they make me fear for my jaw’s life. Maybe this is secretly why I favor the West Coast - less bread-inspired intimidation.
However, I take the question of how many is too many very seriously. As someone who eats half a bagel with peanut butter - and sometimes chocolate chips if I’m feeling fancy - for breakfast every morning, it is hard for me to tire of the taste. To research this question, I have been eating bagels at every meal for the last two days. Bagels with cheese, bagels with chicken, bagels with salad… I can definitively tell you that after my 5th and one half bagel in a row, I could really use a break. I’m sorry I couldn’t last for longer.
So try as many bagels as you want - Athens bagels, New York bagels, Publix bagels, oh my! Find your bagel soulmate. Mine is one with soft cheese, apples, and a bit of caesar dressing. But whatever you do, don’t eat 6 bagels in a row. 6 is the number of the bagel devil, the point of no return. Who knows what might happen to you if you do.
Your cautious & over-carbed servant,
AND NOW, OUR FIRST RAPID-FIRE ROUND!
Here are some questions that are not advice-related at all. And yet you asked, so we must answer.
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF CONVERSATION? SERIOUSLY, WHY DO WE EVEN TALK TO EACH OTHER?
T: Prolonged eye contact is good for digestion.
S: Life without talking? I don’t understand what you mean. How else would I tell you what to do with your life?
WE ALL KNOW WHO GOSSIP GIRL IS, BUT WHO SHOULD SHE BE?
T: Jen. Stacey. Blorf??? These are characters on that show, I think.
S: Ok EVEN THOUGH the show writers clearly just picked Dan at the last minute with no regard for plot continuity, I thought he was an excellent choice. As far as unexpected / almost creepy / mainly really just funny choices go, Dan’s dad is the only other option I can think of. Chuck is a close second, he could easily be the Varys of New York.
WOULD YOU RATHER BE A MERMAID OR A DRAGON?
T: A mermaid. Dragons can’t swim!
S: Fire-breathing mermaid. Call me Sampson but I honestly couldn’t deal with not having hair.
WOULD YOU RATHER DATE THE EVEN STEVES GUY OR PHIL OF THE FUTURE?
T: Phil had spraycan steaks.
S: Agreed, Louis Stevens. I’d pick that beautifully weird pioneer of #dadfashion over a time-traveling Ken Doll any day.
WOULD YOU RATHER DATE RAVEN OR LIZZIE McGUIRE?
T: Raven - we both have a crazed look.
S: Tough but probably Raven because that would make me Eddie the Bucket Hat king. Sry Gordo.