5 movies not to watch on valentine's day

... or ever?

1. The Notebook

A romance for the ages. Aesthetically beautiful from the fashion to the actors to the pretty cars and Ferris wheels and beaches. Quality movie, right? 

Sure, if you want to develop unbelievably impossible expectations for any future romance. Or become utterly dissatisfied with your significant other, who seemed perfectly nice before!

Suddenly the dozen roses he bought this Valentine’s don’t mean anything because HE DIDN’T WRITE YOU 365 CONSECUTIVE LOVE LETTERS AND BUILD YOU A BARBIE DREAM HOUSE USING ONLY HIS TWO BARE HANDS AND HIS UNENDING LOVE FOR YOU. I mean it’s not like you’re asking too much here!



2. 50 Shades of Grey

Duh. If you were ever considering watching this on any day, for any reason, you need to sort out your priorities. I’m going to go ahead and assume that in this situation, Shia would say, Just Don’t Do It.

Bad Twilight fanfics are never a priority.

Bad Twilight fanfics are never a priority.

3. Dirty Dancing

No movie will make you feel more in the corner than one that emphasizes your lack of a romantic life AND your lack of ability to professionally dance like an '80s sex god.

You will  never  be Patrick Swayze.

You will never be Patrick Swayze.

4. (500) Days of Summer

We all know that the Manic Pixie Dream Girl thing is problematic, but that doesn’t stop most of us from wanting to become Zooey Deschanel. Well NOT TODAY, my friends, because this shallow romance is destined to fail from the beginning. It encourages Summer types to be quirky and confusing and Tom types to be a little bit psycho.
I honestly believe that this movie has led to intense expectations of love, adventure, and “hip”-ness from guys in my own personal life. Summer literally states at the beginning of the movie that she doesn’t believe in love, or want a boyfriend, AND THE WHOLE THING SHOULD HAVE ENDED THERE.

Do yourself a favor and do what she should have done. Run – run away as fast as you can – from any disenchanted and impossibly adorable sweater-vested-architects-turned-greeting-card-writers.

Plus, the fourth season of New Girl is now on Netflix and makes for a much funnier, more empowered Zooey watch.

So, what is it that you love about this woman besides her Bambi eyes and ‘50s housewife dresses?

So, what is it that you love about this woman besides her Bambi eyes and ‘50s housewife dresses?

5. Sleepless in Seattle… or any Meg Ryan movie

Listen, I love Meg. Who doesn’t? She’s too perfect with all her menswear and her endearing optimism and her hair. The hair is so good. But how did she end up starring in like 10 different love stories and you currently have none? How do you fall in love on an Empire State Building elevator? That doesn’t happen to anyone. Sorry, but if you don’t want to end your day in hair envy and general distraught, this is going to be a Meg-less Valentine’s.



6. Romeo + Juliet / Titanic

But wait, there’s more! An extra two just for good measure. These are essential on our list because dying for love is NOBODY’S IDEA OF A GOOD TIME.

When’s the last time someone you met approximately 48 hours ago asked you to betray your family, get married just so you could have sex, and then DIE for them? I don’t think so.

Romeo and Juliet is infuriating every time because it’s the epitome of everything that could go wrong if you let some hormonal 14-year-olds loose in the wild.

Titanic is both unrealistically amazing and SAD. First one and then the other! No amount of Ben & Jerry’s will be able to console your pain. Trust me, don’t go there.

My reaction when Leo “doesn’t fit” on the door.

My reaction when Leo “doesn’t fit” on the door.

My reaction when people say they think Romeo + Juliet is   so   romantic.

My reaction when people say they think Romeo + Juliet is so romantic.

If you haven’t guessed at this point, the only movies you should be watching on Valentine’s Day are all the Harry Potter movies because we all know his poorly-adapted romance with Ginny doesn’t really count for anything.

Or Lord of the Rings, whose complete lack of female characters is frustrating in all cases but this one.

Or The Hunger Games…just ignore Peeta and Gale and focus on the fact that you too might look way cooler if you constantly wore black armor and learned how to shoot arrows at anything that annoyed you.

Or, of course, Game of Thrones, because you should always be watching Game of Thrones.

Really anything involving dragons, wars, explosions, car chases, and as little romance as possible. Ain’t nobody got time for love when you’re the protagonist of your own imaginary young adult novel.




Screencaps from the Warner Brothers Harry Potter films / mainly found on theboywhoderped.tumblr.com (also an excellent place to spend your Valentine’s Day)